Top 10 Reasons That Breaking Up Sucks...

10. You are suddenly "me" instead of "we"...totally need to shift gears.

9. You have to answer the "Where is so-and-so?" question. Really?? Must I explain for the gazillionith time?

8. You have to take care of your own pets and take out the trash again...That sucks.

7. You can't call him to ask him some obscure question when you totally know he would know the answer.

6. You can't talk to his Mom anymore, no matter how much you loved her. (And you are stuck wondering what the hell he told her about you anyway)

5. You don't get to see his dog anymore (I miss Tyson) or send the doggie prezzies anymore.

4. You have to worry about him spilling all your secrets...that really blows.

3. You get really lonely at night...and you shouldn't really call your girlfriends at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday, even though they tell you too...they don't REALLY mean it.

2. You are on an emotional rollercoaster...Mood swings, Party of One!!! (Crying one minute, pissed off the next, wanting to call him, not wanting to call him...)

And the Number 1 Reason That Breaking Up Sucks is...(DRUMROLL, Puh-lease)...You have to hear every SINGLE thing that everyone you are close to disliked about him but were too afraid to tell you while you were with him. (FYI...from me & Lissy...if you don't like your bestie's boyfriend, you need to tell her. If she gets mad at you then your friendship wasn't that strong anyway.)

Happy Thursday!

Good morning, Lovies! Hope everyone is doing well on this Thursday morning...you should be...I mean, HELLO! It's almost Friday!! I am sitting here with Noah (my nephew). We are in bed...he's playing baseball on his DS and obvs, I am on the computer. I'm up early, so I figured I'd take this opportunity to blog. I am with Noah because I'm taking him to school today because Little Joshie is having tubes put in his ears and his adnoids removed today...so positive thoughts to him today, please, everyone! Anyways, we had a slumber party last night...Fun! After the kiddies went to bed, we watched Role Models, and it was soooooo funny. Loved it! I posted some new pics in the post below this one...my hair is a little different now and I have pink AND purple in it.
Uh-huh...that and an eternal 12 year old...with lots of disposable income. What a dangerous combination! You may have noticed that I took down my Top Ten list. Ryan sent me an email explaining that a "friend" had let him know about it and he was upset. So, I took it down because I feel really sad that things between us had to get so ugly (and public)...so I'm trying not to fuel that fire. How can love turn to hate so fast? I guess it's like they say...there's a thin line between love and hate, huh?? And honestly, even though I have a lot of not so nice things to say now, obvs it wasn't all bad...there were lots of good times as well. So, I am going to try to honor our relationship and remember the way that we used to feel about each other, and try not to be a b***h. Damn, that's going to be hard...not because of him, just because it's in my nature.
You know me...I just say what I think.
And besides...

I got this...LOL. Ok...got to get myself and Noah dressed so we can get our day started! Have a great day!

Who Loves Me, Baby?

These are the flowers that Jacob (on his own...Lissy didn't even know) sent me the day after Ryan and I broke up. And...he's the reason I'll be single forever, because...honestly...do other men like him exist?!?

So Sad...

Actress Natasha Richardson died today :(
From people.com: Natasha Richardson has died after suffering head injuries from a fall on a Canadian ski slope Monday. She was 45. Her family released the following statement: "Liam Neeson, his sons, and the entire family are shocked and devastated by the tragic death of their beloved Natasha. They are profoundly grateful for the support, love and prayers of everyone, and ask for privacy during this very difficult time."
Really sad. Her sons are 12 and 13. Poor things.

And...speaking of sad, Ryan and I are O-V-E-R for good. I don't want to rip him on here. Well, ok...I kinda do, but I won't. Suffice it to say that it was NOT a good break up. As in I had to change my phone numbers, so hit me up if you need my new ones.

Happy Day After Valentine's Day...By That I Mean I Forgot To Blog Yesterday!

Hi, all! I hope you all had a great Valentine's Day! Mine was really great until about 3/4 the through dinner, when the fact that I had too many drinks hit me. So not cool. Let me start at the beginning. We were out running errands, etc. during the day and my neck was really bothering me when we got home. So, I decided to take a muscle relaxant and lay down for a few hours. I felt good when I woke up, took a shower, got ready....We went to The Melting Pot with Christie and Mike. I had a few drinks...who knew that their drinks were so strong, anyway?!? I was fine through the cheese (yum!) and salad. Then, during the main course, I got kinda skeeved out because we were all dipping in the same pot, so I didn't really eat much of much. But I kept drinking...LOL! All of a sudden, I was super tired, I could barely keep my head up and I felt like I was losing my motor functions...as in I kept dropping s**t, including chocolate down the front of my dress and on my boobs...Lovely. I looked at Ryan and said "I'm totally drunk". During the chocolate course (double yum!), I broke out into a cold sweat and I felt as though I was going to either puke or pass out. So, Ryan took me outside for some fresh air, and I started to feel a little better. The moral of the story is...maybe chasing a muscle relaxant with several tequila based drinks is not a good idea. Duh! For a smart girl, sometimes I do very stupid things, huh? So, I'm sort of nursing a hangover today. Yuck. My honey got me candy and other assorted prezzies, which was very thoughtful. Except that he got me strawberry, and I hate strawberry (Ryan: "Oh, you like cherry? I thought it was strawberry" Me: "Um, no...I hate strawberry and I've told you that a bunch of times already.") and no flowers. Uh-huh. No flowers, which was the ONLY thing that I really wanted. Oh, well...he tried.
J Lo and her gross husband Skeletor pimped out, I mean showed off their twins at his concert. Awww...they really are cuties!

Ryan and I were just saying that it's been a week and no statement from Ike Turner, I mean Chris Brown OR Rihanna. And, then look what I just found on perezhilton.com: After more than a week of silence, alleged girlfriend beater Chris Brown just issued a statement about the incident this past weekend!
He says:
"Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired. I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones and I am committed, with God's help, to emerging a better person. Much of what has been speculated or reported on blogs and/or reported in the media is wrong. While I would like to be able to talk about this more, until the legal issues are resolved, this is all I can say except that I have not written any messages or made any posts to Facebook, on blogs or any place else. Those posts or writings under my name are frauds."
I smell a trip to rehab coming very soon...And, um, couldn't he have mentioned Rihanna by name?!?

Hmmmm...wtf is in the water in Hollyweird these days?!?

Lots of new pregnancies to report.

Elizabitch Hasselbeck is preggo again...didn't she just pop one out? Kate Moss is knocked up. So is Mira Sorvino...I know, yawn...where has she been? Dave Grohl's wife is also with child. Kelis and Nas are expecting. So are Taboo from The Black Eyed Peas, Tisha Campbell and Duane Martin, Hank Azaria, Angie Everheart (who is not naming the baby daddy ala Minne Driver), Bobby Brown and his non-famous girlfriend (what is this, number ten, Bobby?), Chad Lowe (not with Hilary swank), Niki Taylor, Lance Armstrong, Carson Daly, Anne Heche and Jill Scott. Oh, and Molly Ringwald is expecting boy/girl twins (so trendy!) I told you there was something in the water!

Now, let's talk recent births.

It's a boy for rapper M.I.A., Kevin Costner, Tiger Woods, Good Charlotte guitarist Billy Martin, Lizzie Grubman, Lil' Mo, Jo Dee Messina and Charlotte Church.


It's a girl for Kiss's Paul Stanley, Erykah Badu (she named her daughter Mars Mercaba, for G*d's sake!), Cry-Baby actress Amy Locane, Alison Sweeney, and Eagles backup quarterback Kevin Kolb.

Happy Almost Valentine's Day!

Mandy Moore and Bryan Adams are engaged. Is that odd to anyone else?!? WTF? How did these two even meet? Very strange...
Now, from an odd couple to a perfect match: Courtney Love and Mickey Rourke are supposedly dating. Who says opposites attract?!? Yikes!


So...are you all getting ready for Valentine's Day? I'm excited! I haven't been in a relationship on Valentine's Day in a very long time, and I am really looking forward to this one. The pressure is on, Ryan! We are going to The Melting Pot for dinner on Saturday with our friends Christie and Mike, so it should be fun. And yummy! Ryan had a dinner date last night. With my Mommy! How cute is that? She took him out for a belated birthday dinner. Awwww! I am sitting here listening to Tai Tai snore his a** off...that must be some deep sleep that he is in! And, poor little Baby Tao is curled up in a ball with the e-collar around his head. So sad. He just looks so miserable.

Oh, and speaking of my spiteful little Tao, let me tell you what the little brat did last night. Ryan and I (at Ryan's insistance) got them each a bed. We put Tai Tai's bed on the floor next to my side of our bed and Tao's on Ryan's side. And, they've actually taken to the beds really well...surprisingly well! So, last night Tao walked over to Tai Tai's bed and proceeded to pee a river...as in I've never seen so much pee come out of such a little dog, he must've been saving it up for this occasion. Poor Tai Tai ran up to his bed, looked at Tao, then looked at me as if to say "WTF? That dude just peed on my bed!" And Tao gave him a very smug, self-satisfied look as if to say "Yeah, that's right. I peed on your bed, and Mom is not even going to yell at me because I'm injured. HaHa." Then he goes to his own bed, plops himself down and shoots Tai Tai another dirty look like "My bed is so comfy, you have no bed...Ha Ha!" I just shook my head and threw Tai Tai's bed into the washing machine. Needless to say, Tai Tai slept in bed with me last night. (Sorry, Ryan...it had to be done!)Ok, I have to get up and get ready now....I'll try to write more later.Toodles!

A Single Woman's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don't send me no more creeps.
lease just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.
One good man who's sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that's okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake,
That would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don't let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad
I know it's just a passing fad.
I won't be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.
~Author Unknown~

I Forgot To Mention A Few Things...

From usmagazine.com: Christina Applegate is free of breast cancer after undergoing a double mastectomy.  "I'm clear," Applegate, 36, told ABC News' Good Morning America Tuesday. "Absolutely 100 percent clear and clean. It did not spread. They got everything out, so I'm definitely not going to die from breast cancer."I think she's really brave...that can't be an easy decision to make.

“Yes, I can confirm I’m pregnant. It’s still early, so I’m being cautious. I’m resting as much as possible," Jenna Jameson tells Usmagazine.com exclusively. "I'm so happy!"

Wow...don'tcha wish your Mommy was a Ho like her?!? Giving new meaning to the term MILF...Charlie Sheen's new wife is preggo too...yawn!

 From perezhilton.com: InTouch has gotten its hands on some juicy info — how much each player on The Hills is getting paid per episode!  Who knew "reality" television could pay so well? Lauren Conrad: $75,000 per episode
Heidi Montag: $65,000 per episode
Spencer Pratt: $65,000 per episode
Audrina Patridge: $35,000 per episode
Whitney Port: $20,000 per episode
Brody Jenner: $10,000 per episode
Lauren “Lo” Bosworth: $10,000 per episode
Stephanie Pratt: $8,000 per episode
An insider supposedly said, “The only reason L.C. gets paid more than anyone else is because she demanded in her original contract that no one could ever get paid more than her.”Unbelievable!

I saw two decent movies this weekend.  Prom Night-only if you like scary movies-and We Own The Night.  Ok.  Let's talk about dating.  Specifically dating people with pets.  I often think that my dogs could be a problem in a relationship.  But, seriously.  What exactly would be a dealbreaker?  For me...any type of rodent.  If you are a grown man and you own a gerbil...Dude, you've got problems (Think Richard Gere).  Cats could be a dealbreaker for me too because Tai Tai is allergic and we all know that I will not be parting with Tai Tai anytime soon.  (Love me, love my dog)  Feel free to share your thoughts...do you have an opinion on rodents as pets past the age of 10?  It's creepy, I think.I am listening to Michelle Obama speak at the Democratic Convention.  She's a good speaker...way better than Hillary.  Their younger daughter is a cutie, too.

Um...WTF? There's another storm headed our way. Gustav. Really? REALLY?!?
Well, I'm going to go to bed...I am fighting a cold & am slightly delirious (by that I mean f**ked up on Nyquil...LOL).  Have a great night all!

 

Happy Birthday to Tai Tai!

***Breaking news!*** La Lopez had her twins! The babies were born early Friday in Long Island, N.Y. The girl was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and the boy followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs. according to people.com. Incidentally, People will have exclusive pics of the babies...they paid $6 million for them! Which is the biggest payout so far for celeb babies. I'm sure that J Ho and Skeletor will be donating it all to charity just like Angelina and Brad. LOL. Here's a little run down of how much celeb babies are worth: Shiloh $4.1 mil, Christina Aguilera's Max $2 mil, Nicole Richie's Harlow $1 mil. Unbelievable!

And, Jessica Alba is rumored to be having twins as well. Yawn.

According to a source at the New York Board of Health, one of the staff members working Demi Moore's butt boy, um, I mean Ashton Kutcher's party at the Socialist restaurant just tested positive for hepatitis A. Guests included his boss, I mean wife Demi Moore as well as Madonna, Kate Hudson, Salma Hayek, Gwyneth Paltrow, Roberto Cavalli and Ivanka Trump. Raisin face, Rachel Zoe, joined the gang later in the evening.
The New York Board of Health is urging all of Kutcher's guests to get tested and get Hep shots.

Pink and Carey Hart are divorcing. This is really surprising considering the fact that there have been pics of him with random women surfacing on the net and I think that she is a total Lesbot!!

Lindsay Hohan is making headlines for recreating Marilyn Monroe's "Last Sitting" which includes nude shots. Um, Marilyn Monroe? As if. If it wasn't for her big fake boobies, she's kind of look like a dude. Wouldn't Christina Aguilera make more sense? Too bad no one asked me! I'll post some of the pics...you can decide for yourself.

Big Brother scandal! The tattooed bad boy (Crazy James) on this season's show also did some hardcore man on man action. Inner-resting!

Oh, boy. I've been a bad, bad blogger! Shame on me...no posts for a week! Ok, I'm going to try to make it up to you now. First of all, today is my Tai Tai's 8th birthday! My little old man :( I have to share with you my experience at Marshalls last night. Our Marshalls has a super duper shoe department, and I am mildly obsessed with shoes, so needless to say...I love it! Anyhoo, I went there tonight for some retail therapy. Ha! So, I got in line...at that point there were maybe 3 people in line. So there is this 50-60ish year old woman who's next in line. She is wearing CAKED ON make up, a hideous sweater made out of metallic yarn with cutout shoulders, embellished jeans, tons of costume jewelry...in other words, Trailer Trash-tic! So she SLOWLY makes her way to the register. Then she starts taking items out of her overflowing cart. One by one. But that's not all. She INSPECTS each thing (You know, she does the whole hold the shirt up, tilts her head to one side then the other, checks the price tag 5 times). Um, HELLO!?! Aren't you supposed to do that BEFORE you get in line? Sometimes I feel like the ASSHOLE POLICE, and let me tell ya...I'd like to be making some arrests!! So, then I think the cashier maybe tried to hurry her up by saying that people were behind her and this b***h had the nerve to say "They can wait. There are other registers. They can go somewhere else." At this point, the line is about 10 people deep. And, just to put the cherry on top of this f**ked up situation, there's a kid about 3 people behind me in line screaming her bloody brains out. And the Mom is just tuning her out, waiting on line...and then the crazy trailer trash-tic b***h have the nerve to shake her head and "Tsk, tsk" at the screaming kid. Seriously?!? Is she f**king kidding?!? OMG...were they both kidding? Here's what I would have liked to say: "Hey, you...Hoochie Mama Grandma! Get the f**k out of line until you figure out what the f**k you want to buy! And you...Mother of the Year behind me...for G*d's sake...pick up your f**king kid and comfort her! And if you can't shut her up, you need to get the f**k out of line, too!" But I just did the roll my eyes, shake my head, big sigh, dirty look combo move. You know, the one that I've got down to a science. Ugh. Why are people soooooo stupid?!?

I've been having one of those days, no weeks, no...months! Every little thing keeps going wrong. I went to get gas yesterday morning, and the pump kept shutting off about every 50 cents. Then I wanted to go to 7 Eleven and there were no parking spots. Just random, dumb s**t like that. Annoying. And when about 27 of those things happen in a row, I am ready to burst into tears when the 28th thing happens. Oh, I almost forgot. I was on call this weekend, and OMG! It was the weekend from HELL! Terrible, terrible, terrible! I got a massage last night and she said even the muscles in my face were tight! WTF?!? So, my neck and shoulders have been KILLING me. And when I'm in pain, I get MEAN. So, I've been a little snarky (google it...it's a word!) lately. To anyone that may have been caught in the crossfire of my snarkfest, I'm sorry.

Christie's birthday party was supposed to be on Saturday. It ended up being dinner with me, my Mom and Lissy. Oh, well. It was still fun. Hello! I was there! Speaking of par-tays, my Pleasure Party is in a few weeks! Speaking of dicks (did you like that transition? Pretty smooth, huh?) I got a text from A on Friday. Asking to borrow money. A is for..."Are you f**king kidding me?!?" Can you even believe that? Cause I'm having a hard time with it. Here's the story. Men suck. The end. HaHa.

As far as politics go, Obama is kicking Hillary's butt. That sucks! Oh, well. Hillary got a little snarky with Obama last night about the whole plagiarizing speeches thing.

My little Noah Noodle has been sick all week. So sad. He went back to school today, and I spoke to him last night.

Me: "Noah, I was so worried about you!"

Noah: "Mickey, I'm all better now. You don't have to worry anymore!"

Me: "Are you going to be well enough to play basketball?"

Noah: "Oh, yeah! Are you going to come watch me play basketball?"

That kid is too much! I adore him! And his little brother too!

Oh, guess what. After Tao goes to Boot Camp (1 week from tomorrow), I am going to have him certified as a therapy dog. How cool is that? I'm going to get him a Just Like Family tee and take him out to visit patients. Cute, right? They (the doggies) are wearing tees now. Tao has on a purple shirt that says "Diamonds are a dog's friend" and Tai Tai is rockin' a purple shirt (of course they coordinate!) with "BORN FABULOUS" spelled out in rhinestones. I know, I know. It's fag-a-licious! Whatever, they love it!

Ok, I'm going to go get going...gotta get ready for work!

A Rose By Any Other Name...

In honor of Valentines' Day, here is a list of what each rose color means:

Red- Red roses are the color of passion and love. The color red is usually associated with Valentine's Day and love anyway and the red rose is no exception. Giving a red rose says that you have a deep feelings for the recipient.

Yellow- Whenever most people see the color yellow, it reminds them of warmth and happy feelings. The yellow rose symbolizes a deep friendship. Your best friend will be pleased to receive these beautiful bursts of sunshine for Valentine's Day.

White- The color white stands for purity and new beginnings. These are typical at weddings and for new marriages. The white rose can also be a symbol of remembrance for a loved one lost. If you have lost your Valentine this Valentine's Day, display these with some red roses as a tribute of your remembrance and love.

Pink- Pink roses are a great way to say that you are interested in someone without being over bearing. The pink roses are more subtle than the red ones when using roses to say something.

Orange- Orange roses are the symbol of passion and attraction. Orange roses are a great way to show your Valentine that you are sexually attracted to them. Passion and romance are the way to any woman's heart.

Lavender- Lavender roses are hard to find and not many people receive them. The lavender rose is almost fairy tale like. The lavender rose is usually used to express that feeling of seeing someone and having a love at first sight moment.

My favorite? Sterling Silver Roses, which are lavender. Shocker, huh? LOL.

I love, love, love roses...always have, always will.

"I'm Not Drunk, I'm Fun!"

Have you ever just felt as if you are in "rush mode"-constantly on the go and always running late? Well...that's been me. For about a week now. It's always feast or famine with me. Oh, well. Such is life. Carol & Georgie's party on Saturday night turned out really well. It was a lot of fun, and we had a pretty good turnout. And, I rocked as the DJ, if I do say so myself. Yeah. Y'all didn't know that I got DJ skills, right? Well, really, it was just me playing CDs, but whatever :) Oh. I got drunk. Not tipsy. Full on drunk. Not puking, falling on my face drunk, but still Grey Goose got the girl feeling loose...I was dancing. And anyone who knows me will tell you that is how you can gage my alcohol consumption. The drunker I am, the more I dance. Then we met to a townie bar here and met up with A. By the way, A totally knows X. Ugh.

A: "There's a guy on your myspace friends that looks really familiar to me."

Me: ("Oh, F***! I know where this is going" in my head) "Oh, really? Who?"

A: "X"

Me: "Oh. Ok."

A: "Did he play football?"

Ugh...Long story short, he totally knows him. Really?!? This is so my luck.

Anyway, back to me getting my drink on...LOL...Lissy had to drive my car because I was in no condition to drive. To be specific, "She is a disaster" is what she told A shortly before we met up. And he STILL told me how good I looked. Whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty mighty good man. A liar, but a good man none the less. I kid, I kid. So, I spent Sunday in bed. And I totally left my cell in the car. When I checked it on Monday morning, there were like 6 missed calls & 4 text messages, all variations of "How are you feeling?" And then it was right back to the weekly grind! I was driving home today, and I had this overwhelming urge to see the boys. They are so awesome...I am crazy for them. Noah is so animated...his stories are the best. And when Joshie looks at me and bats his eyes...I melt! Noah kept saying "Can you stay for maybe 2 more minutes?" That kid is a master worker...total future politician. Speaking of politicians, (Did you like that transistion? I know. Smooth, right?) canidates are dropping like flies. The latest casualties are John Edwards and Rudy Guliani. McCain seems to be the clear front runner for the Republicans, and it looks like it will be Hillary or Obama for the Dems. I'm not really sure if America will vote in either a woman or a black man. Too many backwards thinking people out there. Maybe if they run on the same ticket (Pres & VP) they'll have a chance. If another Republican is elected, I'm f***ing moving!

Ok, moving right along to all of the salacious gossip of the week. There was talk that JLo was in a hospital in NY having her babies (Rumor has it that it's twins), but I think that's not true. Ethan Hawke is going to have a baby with his & Uma's former nanny. Well, I guess we can all figure out why they got divorced, huh? Angelina is reportedly pregnant with twins...and yes, Perez Hilton and I called that one a long time ago-the preggo part, not so much the twins. Gwen Stefani is preggo, too. You know what's weird? Kingston and Shiloh were born around the same time. Are they planning this? WTF is in the water out there?!? Paris Hilton has hooked up with every dude in Hollywood, so she was seen making out with fellow actress Elisha Cuthberth at New York City club Tenjune on Tuesday night, Us Weekly is reporting. Well, Paris does kinda look like a tranny. Oh, come on. You've thought it, too. Sean Young (total has-been) is in rehab after having a meltdown at an awards show and heckling a winner. Yawn! On the (sad, sad, sad) Heath Ledger front, Mara Buxbaum, who was also Ledger's rep, issued the following statement on Michelle William's behalf:
"Much of the tabloid reporting is inaccurate. This fabricated story of Michelle Williams attempting to bring Heath Ledger to rehab is just one lie among many. The speculation is heinous. Let this family grieve privately." Ummm, that would be really cool, except for the fact that "ET" and "The Insider" are planning to air a video of Heath Ledger doing drugs. (from perezhilton.com)

I'm gonna get so much shit from my girlfriend," Ledger is seen saying in the vid.
Why, he's asked.
"We have a baby together…matilda matilda rose."
The tables at the party are filled with drugs, one person who has seen the tape tells us.
Ledger also talks about his drug use and other not so pretty things are seen.
"I used to smoke five joints a day," Heath reveals. And that's not the only thing. It's being reported that Ledger also battled addiction to heroin, cocaine, alcohol and prescription pills.

Montel Williams' show is ending. Double yawn. Shitney is still crazy. Her 'rents are trying to do an intervention, but the 2 terrorists, um I mean her new "manager" Osama & her "boyfriend" (by "boyfriend" I mean "Scumbag who is using her") are in the way. As her song says "Another day, another drama". There are pics circulating the net of her barefoot, sitting on the curb outside her house. Someone needs to tell girlfriend to get a f***ing grip. So over it! Imagine if she had REAL stress!

Ok, that's all I've got.

I'm going to schluff!

"The More Boys I Meet" By Carrie Underwood

This boy here wants to move too fast

He sees my future as having a past

Well, I don't think so

I don't think so

That boy there, well he's playing a fool

He thinks he's funny and he thinks he's cool

Well, I don't think so

I don't think so

Cheap date, bad taste, another night gone to waste

Talking about nothing in so many words

It's not like I'm not trying

'Cause I'll give anyone a shot once

And, I , I close my eyes

And, I kiss that frog

Each time finding

The more boys I meet the more I love my dog

Here's this guy, thinks he's bad to the bone

He wants to pick me up and take me home

Well, I don't think soI don't think so

Cage fights, PlayStation, X-Games, Raider Nation

Oversize pants with an ego to match

It's not like I'm not trying

'Cause I'll give anyone a shot once

And, I , I close my eyes

And, I kiss that frog

Each time finding

The more boys I meet the more I love my dog

Why can't they be like the one's that mean everything to me

The warm and loyal, open and friendly

It's not like I'm not trying

'Cause I'll give anyone a shot once

I close my eyes

And, I kiss that frog

Each time finding

The more boys I meet the more I love my

I close my eyes

And, I kiss that frog

Each time finding

The more boys I meet the more I love my dog

The more I love my dog

Ok, seriously...was this written just for me?!?

Thank you, Lissy, for making me listen to it!

"What Rhymes With Door?"

Let's see. I'm already slacking on the blogging...oh, well...New Year's Resolutions are made to be broken, right? Here's a quick wrap up of the celeb gossip: everyone is pregnant. Not really...it just seems that way. Shitney was photographed buying a pregnancy test during one of her daily trips to Rite Aide. I have to go off on a tangent for a minute here. Right Aide?!? Seriously?!? WTF?!? Aren't there any Targets near her? Who shops at Rite Aide? She's such a dummy. Back to the gossip. Matthew McConaughey's GF is pregnant. On his website: "We are stoked." Lovely. Pamela Anderson, it is being reported, is "NOT pregnant anymore". Notice that it is not being reported that she had a miscarriage. That's all I'm saying. That and the fact that maybe if you were drinking and doing drugs while pregnant, you might consider terminating said pregnancy. Ohhhh, that was snarky. You love it. I saw 27 Dresses last night. Very unrealistic, Very cute, kinda silly. I.E. wait for it to come out on DVD. But Katherine Heigel is totally adorable. She so should have been cast as Meredith. It would have been way more believable.
Oh. I'm taking a survey. Have you ever heard of the whole myth about green M&Ms? That they make you horny? I am asking because on Friday, I stopped at the drug store to pick up some Sudafed (Oh, yeah...I'm sick now, too. Sinus infection. Good times.) and I took a little stroll down the candy aisle. And there, right before my eyes, was a bag of only the green M&Ms. I laughed and had to buy them, because when I was in high school, I used to buy bags of M&Ms and literally pick out all the green ones to make a jar for my then boyfriend Nick. Sorry, Mom...I'm sure you totally thought I was a virgin and all.

Speaking of ex-boyfriends, it was X's bday this week. I went on his myspace page to leave him a "Happy Birthday" comment, and, to my utter dismay, his GF (I guess) has a pic of them-him and her-as her default pic. Isn't that cute? By "Isn't that cute?" I mean "Oops...I just threw up in my mouth a little." As for her, please scroll down and see "What rhymes with door". I kid, I kid. I don't even know the bitch, um, I mean young lady who has my sloppy seconds, I mean, is currently dating X. I wish him the best. By that, I mean "I hope something eats him". Yes. I'm bitter. What's your f***ing point?!?

Anyways, I went into my office and said to Lissy and Paula "OMG, you guys! Look what they are making for Valentine's Day. Bags of only the green M&Ms!" Lissy looks up at me (I'm still standing, she's sitting at her desk, hence the looking up) and says 'You mean for St. Patrick's Day (Dummy)?" Me: "Um, no. For Valentine's Day. Like I said." So, Paula and Lissy were both like "Why green M&Ms?" And I'm all "You guys have never heard that green M&Ms make you horny?!?" And I've asked others and no one seems to know this particular urban legend. Except the folks at M&M. Thank G*d, or I'd think that I was delusional! Here's the link: http://www.mms.com/us/coloroflove/ Please comment on this, because I am curious to hear how many of you guys have heard this. The "warning label on the bag of only green ones says "Consumption of The Green Ones may result in elevated Romance Levels. If you experience this effect, contact your Significant Other immediately. No official agency has verified these statements..but what do they know about romance anyway?" Cute, right? So, go out and buy yourself some green M&Ms. Now. And then tell your significant other that I said "You're welcome."

Speaking of inappropriate things...

I went to breakfast with Lissy, Jacob and the boys. At the table (in the CROWDED restaurant), Lissy says "Oh, Noah, let's play your new game with Aunt Mickey. Aunt Mickey, Noah is learning how to rhyme words. So, you say what rhymes with (insert word) and Noah says a rhyming word." Example: Me: "What rhymes with hat?" Noah: "Cat" Ok, seems easy enough. Until Jacob gets involved.

Jacob: "What rhymes with door?"

Noah the Megaphone Mouth: (without missing a beat) "WHORE!"

Yup, that's right. In a sea of senior citizens. At the TOP of his lungs. with a satisfied smile, because he is proud that he found a word that rhymes with door. Oh, and guess what rhymes with go? Uh, huh. "HO"

Now, seriously. How the hell are adults supposed to react to that? I suppose probably not with hysterical laughter. Oops. This ranks up there with Joshie saying "Omig*d, Omig*d, Omig*d!" in his little raspy voice like a stoner valley girl. (If you don't really know the kids, Joshie talks like a surfer, and Noah rocks a thick Brooklyn accent. No idea why.) Too funny.

On a sad note, Bob Newhart Show star Suzanne Pleshette died. She was 70. Lung cancer. Don't smoke. There are cooler ways to die.

Ok, I'm going to go watch some tivo'd stuff. Oh..."Cashmere Mafia"? Must See TV. So snarky. Love it.

Have you heard "Calling You" by Blue October? It's "Niiiiiiiice" as Borat (and Jacob) would say.

Have a great week, all!

Big Pimpin'

Ok...so now the boys have a nicer car than me! My mommy, Lissy's Grandma & I went in on this dope Escalade for them. We gave it to them on Sunday. Noah jumped in and started driving like a 16 year old. Adorable, but slightly terrifying! It has a working radio with woofers in the back. Seriously...it's awesome! They are such P-I-M-Ps...gotta love it! Nothing but the best for my beautiful nephews! Tonight we were in the YMCA Christmas Parade. Fun...but hot. WTF? Why is it in the 80s in the middle of December? It sucks!
OMG! On Friday night Noah was running and he fell. And he sliced his chin open. Seriously. They had to go to the ER and he got 4 stitches, Poor Baby. But here's the most f***ed up part about it. Lissy was waiting to take their pics for their holiday card until Joshie got his cast off, which he got off on Wednesday. So now Noah has blue thread in his chin. So typical, right? Anyway, he was a real trooper and wanted Mickey Mouse (that's me) to come see him RIGHT AWAY. Which, of course I did. When I got to their house he said "Mickey, I want you to hold me on the couch". Melts my heart! The other night, I said "I'm leaving" and Joshie said "Don't leave" and Noah said "Goodbye my love". It doesn't get any better than a child's love. Ok, well, a dog's love is right up there, too.
Speaking of dogs...my poor baby Tao had to get shaved. Not a pretty sight. He's so skinny without hair that I had to buy him a smaller sweater to wear until his hair grows back. I know, I know. My dogs are spoiled too! What's your point?!?
Speaking of what the f*** is your point...I got an email from A today. There was a pic attached and the email simply said "You wish..." AFTER I stopped laughing, I wrote back "NOT SO MUCH" I didn't even open the attachment, which BTW was named "***sexy". Ugh...what a tool! The last time we talked was in JULY. So, now after all this time, an email that says "You wish"?!? How's that for f***ing random? Just for the record, I wish for many things...you know, a closet full of Chanel purses, Prada Mary Janes, Tyrese, but NOT A. Well, actually, I DO wish that he would leave me the f**k alone!
To be filed under "Dumb ass Niki Moves": We have a postage machine that needs to be refilled periodically, and we have an account (like a credit card) with them that can be paid in full, or we can carry a balance. Anyhoo...I usually refill it with $3oo, but I decided to put in a bit more because we're going to mail out a bunch of holiday cards. So, I refill it on the machine, and then I have to go online and get the combination to punch into the machine. Guess how much I added! $50,000! Ummm, I guess decimals are important! So, I had to call the company (outsourced to India, which I f***ing hate) and try to explain to the barely English speaking person on the other end how much of a dumb ass I am. Oy vey! Good news is that it got corrected and we now owe them $500 as opposed to $50,000.
Oh...I have shingles. AGAIN. It's on my shoulder blade and it hurts! I got a shot of steroids in my ass today to help the symptoms, and I have to take Valtrex. Yup...Valtrex...the Herpes medicine. Shingles (and Chicken Pox) are in the same family as Herpes. No, it's not sexually transmitted!
I just got an email from my friend Jodi:
"Please check out this brand new website, www.SomeoneSpoilMe.com - a stylish gift guide for the trendy online shopper. They feature the latest "it" products as well as the timeless classics that no one should be without. There are gifts for all occasions from new baby to engagement to birthday. Check it out and pass on this great news." Her sister's friend started this website and it looks really cute...take a peek!
Well, that's about all that's going on with me. Oh, for all my myspace friends, take a look at my page...it's all Christmased out, and I added lots of new pics of the boys & the dogs. Enjoy!
Goodnight, all!

So, Do You Need Your Own Tab?!?

We all went out to Blu Sushi (Yum) for Andrea's birthday. By we all I mean me and 5 couples. Yeah, I know. Loserville...Population one: me. But wait. It gets even more pathetic (Wait for it...) So, I got there a little later than everyone (except the Birthday Girl) and everyone is sitting in this cool "lounge-esque" area. I sit down next to Jacob and the waitress comes over to ask if I'd like a drink.
Me: "A Mango Martini, please."
Snarky Waitress: "Ok, so, like, all of the couples have seperate tabs. So, like, you need one by yourself, right?" (Okay, so maybe she wasn't snarky, maybe I'm just sensitive?!?)
Me: "Extra Vodka, please"
And the hits keep coming...
When it was time to order, all the guys ordered for themselves and their girlfriend/fiance/wife. So the waitress was like "And for you two?, and for you two?..." Lissy was cracking up by the time she got to me. I said "And for me, ONE, I'll have..." Unfortunately the humor was lost on her. Oh, well...I tried. The waitress was much more distressed by the fact that I am single than I was. She'll get over it...I have. So, I put highlights back in my hair...I hated the boring brown...ugh. My friends Chris and Patty (Or Piss and Cratty as Noah would say) are getting married on Saturday...The countdown has officially begun :) I can't wait to see her in her dress...she's going to be the cutest bride ever! Oh, FF for the day...I'm going to the wedding SOLO (they invited me with a date, which was really sweet...I couldn't round one up...You suck, M and you too, R->Project, Schmoject!).
And, on that note, I will say Buh-bye-Love ya, Mean it!

Trick or Treat?

So, on Saturday I went to a Halloween party with "Blonde Elvis" and "Captain Noah". It's so funny to see all the kids whining and just being miserable because of the costumes. They both looked so cute, though. And they got a chance to wear their costumes more than once. I got a birthday card from an ex frenemie in the mail a few days ago (it was delayed because she doesn't have my new address, Thank G*d). I threw it out. I know that sounds kinda harsh, but sometimes you have to know when to get rid of toxic people in your life-she was REALLY mean to me...A LOT. And then, last night, she emailed me a photo album. Seriously?!? OMG. Um, just because you sent me a card (with NO apology by the way), it does NOT make us friends again. I think she should get over it and move on. I have. Speaking of making up, I apologized to M for acting like a bit of a baby. I know. Big move on my part, right? So, he and I are FRIENDS again (even on myspace). OMG, OMG...I almost forgot! Remember A??? So, on my birthday (Yes, on the actual day of my birth), I got a text from him. Not intended for me, I don't think. It seemed like he was in the middle of a conversation with someone. It was very random. Something like "I'm so sexy" Told you he's a douche bag! Then my phone was floating around in my purse and somehow dialed HIS number back. AWKWARD! I ended the call ASAP. Anyhoo, several questions come to mind, starting with Why am I still in his phone?!? Dummy. R is on my shit list for real. He missed my birthday (jerk!) and he's been MIA a lot lately. Probably dating yet another wrong for him girl. Ugh. When will he figure it out?!? And C. He's just totally off the radar. WTF? Oh, well...gotta get ready to go to work.

A is For Asshole

OMG. A is officially the meanest person I have ever met. I had a "friend" that sent me a nasty letter from her one year old daughter. That WAS the meanest thing I have ever received. A's recent email and phone messages make that look like a love letter. So...obviously he read my last post. I'd just like to point out that I never said anything bad about him personally or physically. Just his actions. And, even though there are CERTAINLY things that I can say, I would never stoop to that level. But he had no problem going there. He left me THREE voicemails. THREE (Count them...one, two, three)! He kept getting cut off, so he kept calling back. He is one MEAN motherf***er. I didn't listen to the messages. Did he really think I would?!? "Press 7 to delete"...but I got the idea. As for the email, well...

"You are a cow" (Flattery will get you everywhere...LOL)

"I played you from the beginning" (He's proud of being an asshole)

"In what world are you worthy of my time" (Obviously in this one, because you are using a lot of time and energy to insult me!)

"Your apartment is cheap" (Come on, Really?!? Now you are just reaching...)

'"You should see the women I date, you'd feel blessed" (If you say so...)

"No one reads your blog" (Um...apparently you do, DUMMY!)

"You can even put my picture in it" (Which one? Your dick or your face?)

Anyway, there are some cliches that are apropos.

1.) "People in glass houses should not throw stones"

2.) "What comes around goes around"

Hopefully, someday, some man will treat your daughter as nicely as you have treated me. Two can play the mind f*ck game, Sweetie.

By the way, A...PLEASE...stop reading my blog as there will be no further references to you. You cease to exist to me as of now. Stop emailing me, they will be deleted. Stop calling me, I won't answer the phone. Don't text me, that will be deleted too. I get the point. I could be deaf, dumb and blind and I'd still get your point. I'm not sure what your intention is, but all I am doing is laughing at you with my girlfriends. But, seriously...it's getting old. We only met once. Get over it. I have.

Men Suck. Seriously!

OMG...I hate men. Specifically, I hate A. He asked me to be respectful and not talk about him in my blog. That being said, I'm going to rip him a new one here. He's the worst kind of guy. The asshole pretending to be a nice guy. "I would never hurt you", "I want you to let down your guard with me" Oh, sure. How about this red flag. "My sister and her kids live with me, so we have to stay in a hotel when you come to visit. And you can pay for it." Uh-huh. That's right. My friend Lori said "Maybe it's really his WIFE and kids." She could be on to something. Hmmm. Now let's talk about the "you can pay for it" part. Is he kidding? No, really...Is HE FUCKING KIDDING?!? ("you own a business...you can write it off." By the way, that's so not the point, Dumbass.) Okay, let me break this down for you. He thinks I should 1.) PAY someone to watch my dogs 2.) PAY to drive over to the east coast 3.) PAY to stay in a hotel. Gee...are you noticing a pattern here? All for a booty call. Um, NO! I must have seriously had my head up my ass not to see all the warning signs with him. Just more proof that actions are indeed stronger than words, because he SAID all the right things. Oh. I want to tell you about something that he did BEFORE we met. I didn't write about it because I knew he was reading this. But now I don't care if he reads it or not. I was sitting at breakfast with my Mom & my little nephew Joshie. I got a text from A on my Palm (which by the way has a very large screen.) So, I open it and...it's a picture of his dick. On my phone. At the breakfast table. With my Mom. And my nephew. And the waitress standing over me, ready to take my order. GROSS! Hey, Boys. Newsflash. Penises are NOT pretty. In fact, they are kind of ugly. Don't get me wrong, we like what you can do with them, but we are not into staring at pictures of them. Unlike you guys and boobs. So, back to that pic. So not a turn on. Not at all. Yuck. I should have realized right then and there. "Hey, Nik, maybe this is a guy who is just going to be in it for sex!" But, as Lissy says, "For a very smart person, you sure are stupid when it comes to these boys!" Ok, point taken :) I am so sick of these losers, one after the next. "SS,DG" Same shit, Different Guy. I think it's time for a hiatus from men. It's kind of funny, because I am so "Whatever" about this situation with A. I'm a little pissed, but not really sad. He's a total jerk. And note to self: my first instinct yesterday when he was mean to me was to tell him to go fuck himself. ALWAYS trust your instincts! So, A, if you are reading this (And if you are, you're a bigger loser than I think)...FUCK YOU! Again, the more men I meet, the more I like my dogs...and Lifetime. Oh, one other side note since we have been talking about penises. One of these guys (Not A) told me that he "used to be a model. A dick model. Yup, I had a fluffer and everything." A fluffer. Google it, it's a word. I'll be nice and put the definition here for you. [A fluffer is a hired member of the crew of a pornographic movie whose role on the set is to sexually arouse the male participants prior to the filming of scenes requiring erections.] Ok, I'm not gonna lie. I'm intrigued. LOL. Maybe his IS pretty? I'm just saying...

All about A

Good Morning, All! Sorry I haven't been blogging lately, but I have been sick. Ugh! I am still slightly delirious from all the Nyquil I took over the weekend, but I digress. Okay. The topic for today is A. I met A on Tuesday night. OMG...talk about butterflies! On his way here, he gave me a pep talk on the phone about how if you don't have butterflies it's not worth it. Did I mention that he always knows the right thing to say? No "open mouth, insert foot" issues for him. So, when he arrives, he looks me up and down and says "You are prettier than in your pictures." Told ya he always knows exactly what to say! As for him...Let's just say A is for Adorable :) My dog Tai Tai never, ever likes men...he growls, he hides, you get the idea. Not with A. Nope. He loved him...a little too much. He humped his arm. Really, Tai Tai?!? Yes...my neutered, sweet, middle-aged dog humped the man's arm. Thank G*d he took it in stride and just laughed about it. I won't bore you with the details of our evening, LOL. I'll just say that I like him ALOT. I told him before we met "I miss you. I haven't even met you. How can I miss you?" He said "If you think you miss me now, wait until after we spend some time together." He was right. Now, I'm really missing him! He still seems too good to be true, but I'm going to relax and enjoy the ride. Feels like I may have met my match. Sooo...back to me, because after all, it's all about me, right? I lost my voice on Friday. I told Lissy that it was a tragedy. She said "Not so tragic for those around you. Kinda nice, actually." Ok, yeah...I talk alot...I have alot of interesting things to say (LOL)...your point is? I actually got sick on Thursday. You know, the day that I had to drive to Boca and back. After my Mom's surgery, I had to wear a mask to go in to visit her. Not exactly a fashion statement! Ohhhh, speaking of fashion...I snuck into Nordstroms while I was on the east coast. I was like "Hello, Old Friend!" I have a serious problem...I need rehab for my shopping addiction! Anyhoo...back to the loss of my voice. I woke up on Friday with no voice! In it's place was a little squeak. Yuck! I'm sure it had nothing to do with me belting out Air Supply's greatest hits and "Umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh" across Alligator Alley. (Gotta love iTrip!) So, I spent the better part of Friday being told "You sound terrible!" before I finally admitted defeat and went home. I was worthless at work without a voice. I couldn't answer phones or anything. It sucks to be useless...

Well, I have to go take a shower and join the world of the humans again. I have a voice today. Not my voice, mind you, but a voice. I am rockin' a throaty voice today. Phone sex, anyone? I kid, I kid. (Sorry, Mommy!) Seriously, A, Call me...LOL.

Buh-bye!

P.S. Going to NYC on Wednesday night...Hooray! Can't wait for all the shopping!

Lazy Sunday...

It's Sunday afternoon, and I'm just relaxing. My Mom & I took my nephew Joshie to the outlets. He got more than both of us put together. Figures, right? There is now a Juicy outlet up there...OMG...so exciting! We (Me, Mom, Lissy, Jacob) went out on the boat yesterday, and we had a great time, but I am wiped out from being in the sun all day. I told A I'll soon be as dark as him...LOL. Poor Jacob...he needs a guy to hang out with us. I am currently accepting applications :)
Sooooo...I've been talking to A a lot recently. I swear he's too good to be true. Something has to be wrong with him... Oh, had a big fight with J VIA TEXT. I've kinda been avoiding his calls since I'm totally crushing on A. So, he called me Friday afternoon & our conversation went like this:
J: "What happened to you yesterday?"
Me: 'What do you mean?"
J: "I've called you, you haven't called back. What's up? You don't like me anymore?"
Me: (Long pause) "No, it's not that..."
J: 'let me call you back."
So, I go to Happy Hour with my Mom & my friend L. I had a margarita that had 100 proof tequila in it. I'm normally not such a lightweight, but OMG...I was drunk. One drink.
As we are leaving, J calls back:
J: "When are you coming to see me?"
Me: "I don't know. What about your daughter?"
J: "Just tell me when and I'll make it happen."
Me: "Um, I'm really busy."
J: "Why don't you call me when you're not so busy, then." in a majorly snotty tone.
Me: (Tipsy) "Why don't you call me when you can be nice to me?"
J: CLICK
So, this f***er hangs up on me, then fights with me via text. Total pussy, if you ask me.
J: "Don't worry about me calling you anymore"
Me: "I'm not worried"
J: "Good, no love lost here"
Me: (You know I had to take it to this) "F**K YOU"
J: (I swear this is what he wrote) "You wish, Bitch"
Really? REALLY?!? Incidentally, when I met him, I wasn't even really attracted to him, but I thought I'd give him a shot because he seemed like a really nice guy. HaHa.
Me: "Not really" (What I REALLY meant by that was "Not on your life")
Then he starts rambling about how I'm not cute (which is why he's been calling me all the time & trying to see me, right?) and how he's HOT (Seriously...I am not making this shit up!) and basically he can do so much better than me. Meanwhile, he's very average looking.
Me: "Wow. You're a real jerk"
J: "Suck my jerk d**k"
I didn't even dignify that with a response. But if I had, it would've went a little something like this: "No, you wish. Have you seen my lips?!?"
Ugh...Men (Well, he acted more like a boy)
I went home and kicked him off my myspace page. Ok, so yeah, two can play that immature high school game!!
I would say that I would disable texting on my phone, but I enjoy texting with A. Especially when he sends me pics :) Speaking of hot...OMG!
If A is as perfect as he seems, my blogging is going to get very boring. I should be so lucky!
Oh. I have to say something quickly, on a much more serious note. Did you all see that they found the 9 months pregnant girl's body in Ohio? She had a married boyfriend, they had a 2 year old & one on the way. So so sad. BTW, she was white, he's black...and he's a cop. Should be interesting to watch how this plays out.

Ok...I'm tired, gonna go hang out with my puppies for a bit.
Peace Out!