Who Loves Me, Baby?

These are the flowers that Jacob (on his own...Lissy didn't even know) sent me the day after Ryan and I broke up. And...he's the reason I'll be single forever, because...honestly...do other men like him exist?!?

The Wonder Twins Make A Rare Appearance!

Cutest.  Babies.  Ever. 
Well, what did you expect?!?!

Let Me Update Ya!

Let's start with my lip implants, shall we? Here's a picture of a few days in...not pretty, huh?
A few more days later
One of my first days back to work

So...I survived getting my lips done...just barely. It was TERRIBLE. They told me that it was "just a little worse than the injections"...um, yeah, ok. As in "Giving birth is just a little worse than period cramps." Liars. First of all, it took the doctor 3 tries to get the IV into me, so my arm was all bruised like someone had grabbed me. Then, I had LONG stitches literally hanging out of my mouth on the top lip in both corners and on the bottom in both corners. Yeah...Ewwww! And...the icing on the cake was that my cheek and chin were badly bruised. I looked like a victim of domestic violence. Not a good look, BTW. I had to drink out of a straw, which only took me about 30 minutes to figure out how to suck the liquid through the straw. And I could NOT eat anything. Everything remotely solid got stuck in my stitches. I tried mashed potatoes...that was a debacle. Ryan made pistachio pudding...stuck in the stitches. And it f**king hurt. Bad. Poor Ryan. He says I was a total b***h all weekend. In my defense, I was on pain pills, and I was definately not myself. I was totally miserable, I'll admit it. So, I drank milkshakes for an entire week. If I never see another milkshake again, I'll be good. Then I was able to graduate to matzah ball soup courtesy of my bestie. It took about 2 weeks for me to be able to eat normally. Now, my lips have gone done a lot, but they are still a bit crooked...I have an appointment next week to see about that. I'm still not in love with them.

Ok, now let's talk about when Lissy and I went to the Madonna concert in Miami. What a clusterf**k...OMG! About a week before the concert, Lissy announces to me that she cannot find our tickets. You know, for our floor seats. And Stubhub can't help us. Uh-oh. I was like "I am just glad that it's you and not me, because I'd never hear the end of it"...I'm the "irresponsible one". Go figure. Anyways, she tore apart her house and her office and finally found them. Whew. Then we decide that we should stay at a hotel the night of the concert because I was going to Ryan's the next day and she didn't want to drive home alone late. Ok, no problem. I said I'd book the hotel. I went on hotels.com and booked a room in a hotel right next door to the American Airlines Arena. The night before the concert, Jacob was looking at the hotel online and says to Lissy "Why are you staying 30 miles away from the stadium?" So, Lissy calls me in a panic. I'm all "Um, nooooo...it's at the American Airlines Arena" and Jacob's in the background with all of his attitude going "Um, noooo...it's at the Dolphin Stadium, dummies". So I jump online to look and...Oops! My bad. I had to spend about 1 1/2 hours on the phone with hotels.com getting them to switch us to a different hotel. Oh, I almost forgot to mention that Lissy is like deathly ill at this point with a really nasty flu, just in case there aren't enough issues. So, we check into the hotel and Lissy rests. Then we run to the mall. Um, hello? We were in Miami. It had to be done! And, of course we are running late by the time we get back to the hotel. We go up to our room (which was on the other side of the hotel from the ONE elevator...seriously like a 15 minute hike) and the f**king key doesn't work. Really?!? So, we schlep back downstairs to the front desk for a new key. And...back to the room we go (Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho). We put a speed on it, get dressed, and call the front desk for a taxi. We go downstairs and go outside to wait for the taxi, and there's about 7 cop cars and an ambulance out there...the entrance to the hotel is blocked. Lovely. So...we wait. After about 20 minutes, we ask them to call a taxi again. And...we wait. Again. In the meantime, they wheel this young girl (like early 20s, maybe teens) out on a gurney...Overdose? Rape? Who knows?!? Finally we were like "F**k this" and we decide to drive to the stadium. We were about 45 minutes late. But Madonna was about 3 hours late. Lucky us. I told Lissy it was because she was backstage getting busy with A-Rod. When she finally came out, she says "What's up, Motherf**kers!" and starts the show. No apology, no nothing. But...she was so great that after 15 minutes, we didn't even care. The show was A-MA-ZING! When it was over, we exited on the wrong side of the stadium, so we had to walk around for 1/2 an hour looking for the car. Only us. Total clusterf**k...told you! Well, of course there's lots more to tell you, but that's all the time I have right now.

I Forgot To Mention A Few Things...

From usmagazine.com: Christina Applegate is free of breast cancer after undergoing a double mastectomy.  "I'm clear," Applegate, 36, told ABC News' Good Morning America Tuesday. "Absolutely 100 percent clear and clean. It did not spread. They got everything out, so I'm definitely not going to die from breast cancer."I think she's really brave...that can't be an easy decision to make.

“Yes, I can confirm I’m pregnant. It’s still early, so I’m being cautious. I’m resting as much as possible," Jenna Jameson tells Usmagazine.com exclusively. "I'm so happy!"

Wow...don'tcha wish your Mommy was a Ho like her?!? Giving new meaning to the term MILF...Charlie Sheen's new wife is preggo too...yawn!

 From perezhilton.com: InTouch has gotten its hands on some juicy info — how much each player on The Hills is getting paid per episode!  Who knew "reality" television could pay so well? Lauren Conrad: $75,000 per episode
Heidi Montag: $65,000 per episode
Spencer Pratt: $65,000 per episode
Audrina Patridge: $35,000 per episode
Whitney Port: $20,000 per episode
Brody Jenner: $10,000 per episode
Lauren “Lo” Bosworth: $10,000 per episode
Stephanie Pratt: $8,000 per episode
An insider supposedly said, “The only reason L.C. gets paid more than anyone else is because she demanded in her original contract that no one could ever get paid more than her.”Unbelievable!

I saw two decent movies this weekend.  Prom Night-only if you like scary movies-and We Own The Night.  Ok.  Let's talk about dating.  Specifically dating people with pets.  I often think that my dogs could be a problem in a relationship.  But, seriously.  What exactly would be a dealbreaker?  For me...any type of rodent.  If you are a grown man and you own a gerbil...Dude, you've got problems (Think Richard Gere).  Cats could be a dealbreaker for me too because Tai Tai is allergic and we all know that I will not be parting with Tai Tai anytime soon.  (Love me, love my dog)  Feel free to share your thoughts...do you have an opinion on rodents as pets past the age of 10?  It's creepy, I think.I am listening to Michelle Obama speak at the Democratic Convention.  She's a good speaker...way better than Hillary.  Their younger daughter is a cutie, too.

Um...WTF? There's another storm headed our way. Gustav. Really? REALLY?!?
Well, I'm going to go to bed...I am fighting a cold & am slightly delirious (by that I mean f**ked up on Nyquil...LOL).  Have a great night all!

 

Meet The Wonder Twins!

Aww! I can't wait to get my People magazine in the mail!

The Wonder Twins Have Arrived!

From people.com: "Brad Pitt was at Angelina Jolie's side as she gave birth to a son and daughter Saturday at the Fondation Lenval hospital in Nice, France, PEOPLE has confirmed. "The babies are doing well. The operation went just perfectly," Dr. Michael Sussmann told PEOPLE Sunday. "Angelina is in very good spirits. Brad Pitt was at her side. He was there and all was well." Sussmann confirmed the Nice Matin newspaper report that Jolie gave birth to a boy, Knox Leon, and a girl, Vivienne Marcheline, by Cesarean section on Saturday night. Knox weighed 5.03 lbs, and Vivienne 5 lbs."
Hmmmm...not feelin' the names, but how cool is it that there is now a mini Brad Pitt in the world?!? They at least were able to keep that a secret, because everyone said 2 girls. As any Angelina fan knows, Marcheline was her mother's name...very sweet! Anyway, congrats to them on babies #5 & 6! I'm sure they will be A-MA-ZING looking, just like their 'rents...we'll see as soon as a mag ponies up about $17 million for the pics. That's ridonculous!

Angelina's Having The Babies...

From usmagazine.com: The Associated Press is reporting that Angelina Jolie has checked into a hospital in southern France as she prepares to give birth to twins.
Nadine Bauer, a spokeswoman for the Lenval Hospital in Nice, reportedly tells the AP that the actress, 33, is fine and that everything is going well.
Bauer says that Jolie had to planned to check into the hospital's maternity wing for some time. She says Jolie was admitted so she could be kept under surveillance and not to give birth immediately.
Bauer tells the AP that Jolie will almost certainly remain in the hospital until she gives birth.

Where Was Ben?

Thanks to Christie for this! Where was Ben while his wife was being groped by has been Gary Busey?!? Perhaps Ben was too busy f***ing Jimmy Kimmel...LOL!

F***ing Matt Damon & Ben Affleck!

Ok, so I'm guessing alot of you may have missed this. Apparently, every night at the end of his show, Jimmy Kimmel pretends to bump Matt Damon. He says something like "My apologies to Matt Damon, but we are out of time." As a joke. So, Matt came up with his own joke with Jimmy's girlfriend of 5 years Sarah Silverman (she's a comedian). Too funny!
To Jimmy From Sarah:

To Sarah From Jimmy:
Pay attention! Cameos by Brad Pitt, Cameron Diaz, Josh Groban, Etc.

White Done Right (At the Oscars)

Cameron, your dress is amazing, but why didn't you do your hair & WTF is with the tanlines?!? Renee! For G*d's sake! Eat something! Felicity, stand up straight...your posture is hideous! But all the dresses are pretty!

Not So Basic Black (At the Oscars)

Mrs. Ben Affleck looked fabulous, as did Penelope Cruz. Hillary Swank? So-so.

Seeing Red (At the Oscars)

Red was the color of the night! Katherine and Heidi? Flawless, fabulous...A-MA-ZING! Anne Hathaway? I'm not really feeling it, and I usually like her. At least Miley is covered!

Introducing...

Angelina's Baby Bump!

"I'm Not Drunk, I'm Fun!"

Have you ever just felt as if you are in "rush mode"-constantly on the go and always running late? Well...that's been me. For about a week now. It's always feast or famine with me. Oh, well. Such is life. Carol & Georgie's party on Saturday night turned out really well. It was a lot of fun, and we had a pretty good turnout. And, I rocked as the DJ, if I do say so myself. Yeah. Y'all didn't know that I got DJ skills, right? Well, really, it was just me playing CDs, but whatever :) Oh. I got drunk. Not tipsy. Full on drunk. Not puking, falling on my face drunk, but still Grey Goose got the girl feeling loose...I was dancing. And anyone who knows me will tell you that is how you can gage my alcohol consumption. The drunker I am, the more I dance. Then we met to a townie bar here and met up with A. By the way, A totally knows X. Ugh.

A: "There's a guy on your myspace friends that looks really familiar to me."

Me: ("Oh, F***! I know where this is going" in my head) "Oh, really? Who?"

A: "X"

Me: "Oh. Ok."

A: "Did he play football?"

Ugh...Long story short, he totally knows him. Really?!? This is so my luck.

Anyway, back to me getting my drink on...LOL...Lissy had to drive my car because I was in no condition to drive. To be specific, "She is a disaster" is what she told A shortly before we met up. And he STILL told me how good I looked. Whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty mighty good man. A liar, but a good man none the less. I kid, I kid. So, I spent Sunday in bed. And I totally left my cell in the car. When I checked it on Monday morning, there were like 6 missed calls & 4 text messages, all variations of "How are you feeling?" And then it was right back to the weekly grind! I was driving home today, and I had this overwhelming urge to see the boys. They are so awesome...I am crazy for them. Noah is so animated...his stories are the best. And when Joshie looks at me and bats his eyes...I melt! Noah kept saying "Can you stay for maybe 2 more minutes?" That kid is a master worker...total future politician. Speaking of politicians, (Did you like that transistion? I know. Smooth, right?) canidates are dropping like flies. The latest casualties are John Edwards and Rudy Guliani. McCain seems to be the clear front runner for the Republicans, and it looks like it will be Hillary or Obama for the Dems. I'm not really sure if America will vote in either a woman or a black man. Too many backwards thinking people out there. Maybe if they run on the same ticket (Pres & VP) they'll have a chance. If another Republican is elected, I'm f***ing moving!

Ok, moving right along to all of the salacious gossip of the week. There was talk that JLo was in a hospital in NY having her babies (Rumor has it that it's twins), but I think that's not true. Ethan Hawke is going to have a baby with his & Uma's former nanny. Well, I guess we can all figure out why they got divorced, huh? Angelina is reportedly pregnant with twins...and yes, Perez Hilton and I called that one a long time ago-the preggo part, not so much the twins. Gwen Stefani is preggo, too. You know what's weird? Kingston and Shiloh were born around the same time. Are they planning this? WTF is in the water out there?!? Paris Hilton has hooked up with every dude in Hollywood, so she was seen making out with fellow actress Elisha Cuthberth at New York City club Tenjune on Tuesday night, Us Weekly is reporting. Well, Paris does kinda look like a tranny. Oh, come on. You've thought it, too. Sean Young (total has-been) is in rehab after having a meltdown at an awards show and heckling a winner. Yawn! On the (sad, sad, sad) Heath Ledger front, Mara Buxbaum, who was also Ledger's rep, issued the following statement on Michelle William's behalf:
"Much of the tabloid reporting is inaccurate. This fabricated story of Michelle Williams attempting to bring Heath Ledger to rehab is just one lie among many. The speculation is heinous. Let this family grieve privately." Ummm, that would be really cool, except for the fact that "ET" and "The Insider" are planning to air a video of Heath Ledger doing drugs. (from perezhilton.com)

I'm gonna get so much shit from my girlfriend," Ledger is seen saying in the vid.
Why, he's asked.
"We have a baby together…matilda matilda rose."
The tables at the party are filled with drugs, one person who has seen the tape tells us.
Ledger also talks about his drug use and other not so pretty things are seen.
"I used to smoke five joints a day," Heath reveals. And that's not the only thing. It's being reported that Ledger also battled addiction to heroin, cocaine, alcohol and prescription pills.

Montel Williams' show is ending. Double yawn. Shitney is still crazy. Her 'rents are trying to do an intervention, but the 2 terrorists, um I mean her new "manager" Osama & her "boyfriend" (by "boyfriend" I mean "Scumbag who is using her") are in the way. As her song says "Another day, another drama". There are pics circulating the net of her barefoot, sitting on the curb outside her house. Someone needs to tell girlfriend to get a f***ing grip. So over it! Imagine if she had REAL stress!

Ok, that's all I've got.

I'm going to schluff!

Preggo?!?

Um, if she's not preggo, my girl probably should not be wearing a tent!!!!! She still looks BEAU-TI-FUL!

Happy MLK Day!

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. "-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Some trivia about him:

He was named Man of the Year by Time magazine in 1963; and became not only the symbolic leader of American blacks but also a world figure.At the age of thirty-five, Martin Luther King, Jr., was the youngest man to have received the Nobel Peace Prize. When notified of his selection, he announced that he would turn over the prize money of $54,123 to the furtherance of the civil rights movement. He was also the first black person to be on the cover of Time magazine AND to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Impressive, right?

FFs about the holiday:

Martin Luther King Day is the first new holiday since 1948, when Memorial Day was created as a "prayer for peace" day. King is the only American besides George Washington to have a national holiday designated for his birthday (those of Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Robert E. Lee and others have been celebrated in some states but not nationwide). Internationally, King is one of the few social leaders of any country to be honored with a holiday (Mahatma Gandhi's birthday is observed in India). Such status by a member of a country's racial minority is almost unheard of. Generally, the honor is reserved for military or religious figures. Given such obstacles, the holiday is a powerful tribute to King's philosophy and stature.

Dr. Martin Luther King, JR (1929–68)

I think that he would be tickled pink to see that two of the front runners in the Presidential race are an African American and a woman!

See...My Girl's Still A Hottie!

Check out her boobs...she looks preggo, right?!?

See...Animal Activism Is Sexy!

Hello, all! In case you guys haven't seen these headlines, I have ever so kindly collected them for you and given you my take on each thing. This is for this week...and it's only Tuesday. And, I didn't even mention Kanye West's Mom, Shitney Spears, or Amy Winehouse cancelling her tour. And, on a much more personal note, I have been talking to a few guys from match.com and I predict that my daily adventures are about to get ALOT more interesting. I am coming out of retirement, ending the self imposed guy hiatus. Stay tuned...

Usher and his wife, Tameka Foster, welcomed a baby boy on Monday night. (From people.com)

FFs about Usher's wife: she's 10 years older than him, has like 4 other kids, and his Mom hates her. Good times ahead for them at family dinners.

Maybe Hulk Hogan doesn't know best – after 24 years of marriage, his wife, Linda Marie Bollea, has filed for divorce. (From people.com)

This is going to suck for their show, huh

Dennis Quaid's newborn twins are in stable condition after being given an accidental drug overdose at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.
Thomas Boone and Zoe Grace — whom Quaid and his wife welcomed via a surrogate on November 8 — were given a 10,000 units of Heparin, anti-coagulant used to flush out IV lines and prevent blood clots this past Sunday and began to "bleed out," TMZ.com first reported Tuesday. (Babies typically get 10 units.) (from usmagazine.com)

Ok, this is so bad. And how often does sh*t like this happen to babies that don't have famous parents?!?

Angelina Jolie has just been nominated for an Independent Spirit Award for Best Actress, a good Oscar precursor. (From perezhilton.com)

That's my girl!

It's not easy being Ann Coulter. In response to being hassled at her Florida home, the conservative author has successfully petitioned Palm Beach officials to remove her address from county property records. The 45-year-old Coulter's move was apparently spurred by several incidents, the most recent of which occurred earlier this year. (from the smoking gun website)

Alrighty...she's just an asshole. Point blank. She is a wicked, wicked woman who loves to stir up controversy. I cannot stand her...she's a hatemonger! Seriously. Do Republicans even like this C U Next Tuesday? Why the f*ck is this b*tch famous, anyway? I don't get it.

Nearly a month after his fourth wife went missing and a week after the body of his third wife was exhumed, former Illinois police sergeant Drew Peterson is finally doing what many legal experts said he should have been doing from the start. Peterson is “lawyering up.” (from the today show website) Ok, could he be any more guilty? He is guilty until proven innocent as far as I am concerned. Note to self: If you meet a man whose last name is Peterson, run!

The parents of a 13-year-old Missouri girl who hanged herself after a failed MySpace romance — later uncovered as a hoax — say they have yet to receive an apology from the family they blame for their daughter’s death. (from the today show website)

So, a neighbor girl's PARENTS created this fake myspace page and led this poor girl on and then rejected her. Then she killed herself. And, guess what...No crime was committed. Isn't that lovely?

On Wednesday, Aruban prosecutors announced that they had arrested Dutch student Joran van der Sloot, 20, and two Surinamese brothers, Satish and Deepak Kalpoe, who are 21 and 24 respectively, on suspicion of involvement in voluntary manslaughter and causing serious bodily harm that resulted in the death of the 18-year-old Holloway in the spring of 2005.

(from the today show web site)

Here we go, here we go again. Can't they flip one of these kids?!? Or maybe make a deal with them so they'll tell where her body is so her family can have closure? Sidenote: Did you know that Natalee's Mom is dating JonBenet Ramsey's Dad? How weird is that?!?!

Before dying, 2-year-old Riley Ann Sawyers was beaten with belts, picked up by her hair, thrown across the room and held under water, according to an affidavit from the Galveston County Sheriff's Office. The affidavit says the girl's mother, Kimberly Dawn Trenor, described to police how her daughter died and was put in a plastic storage box that Trenor and her husband, Royce Zeigler, later dumped into a Galveston waterway. (from cnn.com)

This b*tch just needs to be killed. How do you hurt an innocent little 2 tear old?!? WTF is this world coming to anyway?

Oh No He Didn't!

Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver may be famous for creating mouthwatering delicacies, but this time he has put something a lot less tasty in his mouth: his foot. According to the Daily Star, during a phone conversation with Angelina Jolie, Oliver had a little slip of the tongue when asking about Shiloh, Jolie and Brad Pitt's daughter. It seems he got some letters in her name mixed up and accidentally (I hope) called her Piloh Sh*t.Angelina Jolie didn't think it was funny and neither should you. It's not funny. Of course Oliver apologized and even sent over a Cheerios dessert treat in an effort to smooth things over.You know, if you are going to mangle someone's name, you really couldn't do much worse than that.

That's f*cked up, isn't it?!?